December 24, 2003
i want a little farm house in some green country. i want their to be a fireplace in it and a big kitchen. i want gardens full of laughing flowers to grace the yard. i want a stream to be somewhere on my land. i want a barn with two horses. i want a chicken coop filled with squawking chicken. i want there to be three big maples in front of the house. i want to be hanging laundry on a line with three little children running around me. i want blue skies all the time and rain only in the summer. i want cozy nights, sitting around the fireplace and sipping hot chocolate. i want time to indulge myself in pride and prejudice once a year. i don’t ever want to leave that place.
a few months ago if you had asked me what i wanted to do after i graduate, i would have told you that i didn’t know. if you had asked me what i want to be, i would have told you that i didn’t know. if you had asked me what my dreams are, i would have told you that i didn’t have any.
but i do believe that that wasn’t all true. i knew what i wanted — but i wanted to want something else. i found myself embarrassed because i had always laughed at the other girls like me, thinking that they were so pathetic. shouldn’t you only dream of going to china and seeing millions saved in your lifetime?
i’ve come to realize that i love my wants and desires. i find i love them too much.
recently the question has been, “will you give it up if I ask?” and so i’ve wrestled with it. i wanted the answer to be yes, but i know my flesh is strong. my want to please Him is great — i like to think that it’s greater then my want to please myself, but i know how weak i can be. oh! that i would deny myself daily to follow Him!
Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
isn’t the country lovely? : )