today was long and hard, but good.
today i wandered the countryside of Fishbach.Â i felt like Maryanne from Sense and Sensibility as i went from one small backroad to the next, following the orchards and making my way through trails in the forest.Â i had no destination and no purpose in the steps i took; i wandered aimlessly, caught in my thoughts and inner conversation that was going on.
today i felt forlorn and worn.Â i felt bruised and beat up.Â i felt exhausted and alone.Â i told myself that my heart had dealt with enough over the past few weeks and it couldn’t take much more.Â i had endured enough poking and prodding of the Holy Spirit and unveiling of areas i liked to keep hidden and i was tired.Â
today i almost cried out, “why me?”Â but i knew that it wasn’t just fate that had a hand in this, but One who is my Refiner.Â He reminded me, “you asked for this, didn’t you?”Â i kept on walking, refusing to voice what we both knew to be true.Â i finally uttered the words, “You never told me it would take this long and hurt so much.”Â i admit, i asked for this; asked for Him to work in my life, but at times i feel like backing out of that request.Â it’s the idea that He is slowly chipping away all the dreadful things of my heart, but it hurts so much, takes so long, and most of the time it all has to be repeated because i mess something up.
today i cried as i looked up to the sky and whispered, “Yes, but Lord, i’m so tired.”
. . .
today i walked for over an hour.Â i thought about the last six weeks and all that the Lord has been doing.Â i cried as i struggled through things, released things to Him, and felt a peace like never before.Â
today i came back and saw a package from my family.Â i cried when i saw how much it cost to send it, i cried as i saw thanksgiving decorations and candy, i cried as i saw a crumbled cookie from a church function that my little brother wanted to send, i cried as i read a lengthy letter that i loved from my youngest sister, i cried when i saw a favorite magazine in the mix (Garnet Hill), and cried because i felt so special and loved, and i just cried.
and it was so good.
. . .
well, now that i’ve made myself sound like an emotional rollercoaster and a spiritual woo-woo — i think i’ll go.