i’m still writing

hi old friend.

i’ve been rather quiet since returning home but please don’t think that i’ve willingly shirked my duties. no, daily i’m reminded of you and the lack of communication on my part in these recent weeks. i could come up with many legitimate excuses and let you know that my quality time quota has been used up by hours of trying to turn my hair a certain color, by working everyday (this week entailed planning a party for our church), by doing extra-curricular activities such as attending Bible studies and watching friend’s (is this where the apostrophe is supposed to go?) sports games, and in general, being busy.

but really, i have a love/hate relationship with excuses so i won’t expound upon any of the above stated reasons. i’ll just continue without further delay and hope that you forgive my unfaithfulness.

– – –

this past summer, during my week on an island of spain, five of us sat by the boardwalk. we talked of our parents and what we appreciate about them, we coaxed certain individuals to be inspired by the moonlit mediterranean sea and recite poetry, and we asked each other when we were the happiest.

i told them when i thought the “perfect” season of life was. i described the happiness, the peace, the contentment, the feeling of purpose i had, the wonderful family all living within a walk from each other, the friends who i liked so very much, and i told them, that although happiness is only an emotion that changes, during that season i was most happy.

i’m home now. it’s a year and a few months later than that season i was thinking of. things have changed, people have moved on, and i am not in the same place i was.

and that’s okay.

i’ve struggled with that idea since coming home. i wanted everything to be the same and mostly, i wanted me to be the same. and yet, even though i’ve tried so hard to recreate those wonderful days, i’ve realized that i can’t go back and live that part over again. i want it, i want it so badly, and to be honest, i feel like i’m struggling with that. i feel tired and i don’t feel like i have the joy i did back then. but i know that i can’t go back — i shouldn’t want to go back.

i was reminded the other night that God always has new and good things in store for you. He would never make it so that the best He had for me was back in that season. and i know that even though i might not feel that, my human emotions are flawed and that i must learn to stand on truth and not my feelings.

– – –

< edit>

it’s 12:31 in the morning and i just came back from a party. most of the time people think i’m an old woman already, but it’s times like this that i show ’em who i really am. and to top it all off, i’m in scrubs right now (it was a costume party) and i’ve pretty much decided that i should become a doctor, because you know, i’d be the hottest doctor ever.

< /edit >

2 thoughts on “i’m still writing

  1. ah yes, a perfectly legitimate reason to be a doctor. ; )
    i would love to continue our phone conversation, however i understand that both you and i are quite busy. can you think of a good time for me to call?

  2. oh so beautifully said! man i needed to hear this. this is so so good. I esp love that last paragraph right before your edit. thanks for this. as for the apostrophe in friend, it would depend. if it is more than one friend than it would be friends’… if it is one friend, it is friend’s. so there you go. at least i think so.

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