i shouldn’t be here. if i was a smart girl i would be upstairs in bed. and if i was even smarter i would have gone up a few minutes early to pick up some of the clutter that has gathered even though my room was perfectly tidy just a few days ago. but it does look like i’ve chosen to be the silly foolish girl who stays up past what should be her bedtime.
i wanted to write something.
i leave for Spain in a few days. someone will drive us down to the airport (and i will be all too aware of the fact that it’s a different driver from last year), i’ll get on a plane with a few others, and we’ll be off for three weeks.
it sounds overwhelming right now. i feel empty and like i don’t have much to offer. i feel like no matter how much i think and pray about this trip i still am unprepared. i guess that’s actually a good place to be. our leader talked about how we are to rely on God through this whole trip and inwardly i laughed. my leader, who happens to be my brother-in-law, had no idea that i had been thinking the same thing. right now, if He deems me worthy enough to use, then His strength will definitely show because i don’t think i’ve ever felt this weak. my Lord is going to have to be there for me, to fill me afresh with His Spirit, because i’ve never needed Him more.
and how i love Him. i whispered a prayer of help tonight while we sat around in a circle worshipping. my heart cried out for Him to be my Shepherd and guide me through this and i know that He will answer. i know that He knows what i’m feeling (and could probably express them better than i can) and i know that He cares enough about what i’m feeling to do something for me. and how undeserving i am! yes, i love Him.
look.Â she has me on her list.