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recently everyone has been asking what i’ll be doing in september.  i hate being asked that because there is nothing that makes you feel like a bigger loser than having to say, “to be honest, i really don’t know.”  most expect me to go to school and i say that i might — just not this fall since i’ll get home after school start. 

recently someone asked me what i like to do.  and i didn’t know.

she then asked me what my dreams were, even if unrealistic.  and i didn’t know.

i find myself in a very odd place in life –  i don’t want anything.  and that just feels weird to me.  i’ve always wanted something.  i feel like apathy has replaced all the plans, dreams, and desires that i gave up and i’m not sure i like that.

today i woke up and wanted something.  my simple want is as follows:

someday i’ll own every Patricia MacLachlan book.  i’ll read through them once every year until i’ve memorized every word.  and someday i’ll have a red-headed little girl of my own and she’ll spend rainy fall afternoons curled up reading them as well.

6 thoughts on “life

  1. Funny. I’ve found my own ‘wants’ fading rapidly. “Is it apathy?”, I ask myself. “Is this me giving up on God’s will?” After some soul searching, I truly believe that the answer is no – I’m actually learning to love nothing more than I love Him…not even the things he gives me to do.

    I find myself in something of the same position. What will Beth Paladin do after graduation? ‘Everyone’ expects her to go to grad school and spend her life doing research….but wait, no, that’s just me who expects me to do that. And, even if everyone did expect me to do that, the fear of man will always be a snare.

    So, be admonished to seek only God’s will. Let your desires fall away, and embrace the opportunity to be stripped of all that consumes your passion…other than the glory of God. There is nothing better, nothing truer, nothing more satisfying than a life lived with the Lord.

    Like Moses (Ex. 33), refuse…utterly refuse…to go up the mountain without the Spirit of our God.

  2. Just let them know you are waiting on Him for direction. Then it becomes His problem to bear, and who can bear it better than Him? He is more than able.

    Besides, sometimes a blank page is exciting!

  3. I would never ask you what your plans are for the fall. Just like I never ask little children what they want to be when they grow up. Not that it’s sinful to ask, but I’ve always felt that what does it even matter? Who cares. As long as they can be shown the risen Savior- how amazing He is- and at some point come to accept, love, and follow Him, why would we steer their thoughts anywhere else? And since you already accept, love, and follow Him, that’s all that is worth talking about!
    That was straight out of 1 Opinions 1:1…
    P.S. Note the new e-mail address. Oh, and by the way. My relatives have not responded yet. My grandmother informed me that they have a serious traveling addiction…Australia, Austria- it doesn’t matter- they’re just always gone. I know you’re not stressing or anything, but I love for you to meet the whole gang. Am I right in thinking you’re about three hours away from Munich? Helmut, Christa, Wolfgang, and Christian…these are my second cousins…they are very cool. I’ll let you know when they get back to me!

  4. Nah… it’s not apathy. Check this out… pretend that the “Louissa” is you.

    Louissa: Hey James, what are you doing in September, what do you like to do and what are your dreams?

    James: I don’t know… : |

    Louissa: Looser. You’re apathetic.

    : )

    I don’t know what I’m doing, but I do know that God has something for me, and whenever I find out what it is I will do it. I know God has some stuff for you to do over here, and it’s probably more than just “some stuff.” Wait on God and trust Him and you’ll see how crazy His plans are… He’s already got you in Germany. I mean, I was just thinking the other day… “whoa… Louissa is in Germany!! That’s like… far away!!” It’s still kind of strange. I mean, if you were at home and you all of the sudden popped into Germany in one point seven seconds… would you be surprised? But for some reason all of us forget how crazy it is that you’re over there because it didn’t happen that way. I’m still excited for you though, I hope it continues to be a growing experience in many ways.

    I think sometimes God “drains us of desire” so that we will be ready to do what He has for us. It’s strange… but I actually feel a lot better without all of these desires pulling me. I thought I had the desires, but the desires had me.

    Oh well… here I go. Leaving a seven page comment on a friends blog. One time, I spent an hour and a half leaving a comment on one of my friends sites… this one was only roughly a minute. You got off easy.

    : |

    -James’

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