sometimes, well, days like today, i find myself asking why i can’t be perfect.
i’m tired of always doing the wrong things.Â i’m tired of the sin cycles i’m in.Â i’m tired of never having the right perspective.Â i’m tired of being so selfish.Â i’m tired of myself.
so i try to right myself.Â i try to tell myself that if i do this or if i do that then it will make it all better — that i’ll be a better person.Â i’m full of formulas for how to do this and although i try them over and over again they always fail me.Â i’m not capable of being the person i want to be.
it takes much to bring me to my knees.Â in my head i know that i’m supposed to remain there but i never do.Â i can point out the times over the years that i’ll find myself having gotten to this hopeless point, finally willing to admit that i can’t do it without One who is greater than me.Â it’sÂ this vicious circle of me trying to live my faith on me own, only to realize that i’m a miserable failure.
i want perfection.Â i try to attain it using my own strength.
today i’m thankful.Â thankful for the grace upon which i stand.Â thankful for He who shows me through these experiences my need for Him.Â thankful that He lives in me, He uses me even with all my faults and failures.Â thankful that He is working in my life, chipping away the sin and brokeness.Â thankful for His amazing, unconditional love.
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my wrists hurt.Â yesterday some of the little monsters that i worked with this past week attacked me while we were outside, tied my hands together and then tied me to a tree.Â they then started to tickle me, which forced me to fall onto the ground (the only way for me to protect myself from ten pairs of hands) which added stress upon the rope around myÂ wrists and gave my jeans grass stains (anyone know how to get those out?).Â i eventually had to call over a German speaker because of the amount of pain i was in and sure enough, i now have bruised wrists.
oh the things you put up with when working with kids.
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the smart guy here is going to be fiddling with the network and server and everything else that’s part of the internet here at school and so i might be without access this next week.Â that means i’ll have no communication with the outside world.Â if i go crazy, you know why.