it smells like fall.  it feels like fall.  it feels the way it felt when i was preparing to come here.  and now i’m preparing to leave.

yesterday was my official last day of work.  my bags are packed and are in my freshly cleaned room.  my ticket is at the top of my pile of things and my passport is right underneath it.

i leave in two days.  i’ve been here at Bodenseehof for a year now.  i’m a year older than when i left.  i always assumed that everything would be the same when i returned home, but although it’s hard for me to admit it, life has continued at home.  “home” didn’t go on pause while i enjoyed Europe for a year.  it’s changed, people have grown, and i’m sure i’m not the same exact person i left home as either.

since i tend to live my life through movies, my year-long journey started out as sabrina and i can’t help but think about her return home as i ready myself.  after a year she was different, she had changed, she was more confidant, and i can’t help but wonder if i’m supposed to have changed that much.  oh, there’s been change — some change that will have you thinking, “gee, louissa, it’s a good thing you’re finally getting away from that rich German cuisine.”  — but i don’t know, have i changed?  have i changed in such drastic ways?  i guess you’ll have to be the judge on that one.

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we set up two mattresses on the floor and all five of us girls sat on them last night.  we lit sparklers while i went on and on about what a fire hazard sparklers are while your sitting with blankets and mattresses and pillows all around you and the other girls laughed at me.  we talked about the past year, talked about the funny characters we went to school with, and we talked about what we learned.  we talked about people and friendships and honesty and fears and insecurities.  i was asked last night what makes me different from the rest of the world.  when stripped of all my Christian activities and good things that i keep myself busy with, what makes my life different — what sets me apart?

i found myself awake at 2:00 am, evaluating my life and finding myself terribly convicted.  what does make me different?

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three of us have already left and another one leaves tomorrow.  i’m escorting a friend to Switzerland tomorrow where she will be flying out of and then the next day i, my dear friends, will be on my way back to you.