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i find myself feeling more and more self-centered every single time i write.  who am i to think that what i have to say is important enough or entertaining enough or so captivating that you would want to waste a few minutes on it?  and really, i don’t do it for you.  when it comes down to it, i write for myself.  i somehow think that this is the platform for me to be known, but in a sea of the online social world, i’m not sure i rank high enough on the list for it to really matter.

in an age where you can somehow manage to keep up on 500 friends all day through your supremely organized news feed (even though you only speak to 20 of them in real life) and where all the time we have for one another is what you can fit into your 150 character tweet, how does a long-winded blog fit into the speedy world of technology?

but write on i do.  i become just another blip in the midst of all the “noise” we take in and somehow i think it’s benefiting my world — or even a farther stretch — your world.

because part of me needs one thing — just one thing — that i enjoy.  and i enjoy writing (at least writing about myself).  please, i don’t feel spiritual enough right now to say that all the church services i go to are enough.  part of me knows that i was created by a Creator with a purpose.  He gives gifts and talents.  i’m sure of it — i’ve seen it.  and i’m also sure that He gives them so that we can use them to further His Kingdom, but He also gives us ways to enjoy life through them.

and i feel like i’m still trying to find that.  where’s my spot?  what has He actually given me?

i like a lot of my life.  i like a lot of what i do.  but i’m having a hard time recently saying that i love it.  and don’t ask me what i love.  i won’t have an answer for you.  am i just afraid to say that i love something?  i’m not naturally inclined towards one avenue in life — through the years i’ve found myself always working for anything i might want.  am i just afraid that once i say i love it, i’ll hit the hard part and feel like maybe i missed it again?

i don’t have a conclusive thought.  i don’t know why i feel quite so confused about my life.  i’ve got the big picture (don’t worry, i haven’t fallen off my rocker completely — i still love Jesus a whole lot) but it’s the smaller details i haven’t figured out yet.

i’m 21 now.  i kinda thought i’d have just a few answers at this point.

this just gives proof to how self-centered i really am.

…the good news is that i have a shiny pink iPod.  and i love it.

2 thoughts on “

  1. Perhaps you will be one of those lucky people who just love life and all the fun details and moments it brings. You will find pleasure in a sunrise, a fresh breeze, a new friend, an old one – too. That new song and beat make your heart sing, a new dress or shoes, the well-written book, those new sneakers for running. Maybe you don’t have to narrow it down, pursue just one or two things, but will be able to follow your heart that moment — so that you love what you are doing in that space and time and will be ready to embrace something new the next.

    Even a shiny pink iPod!

  2. *loved* your moms thoughts 🙂

    I’m 24 and I still haven’t gotten it figured out, I have so much I want to do and at the same time I have no idea what I want to do, talk about confusing!

    I as well, love to write and told a friend once that if the world went paperless I’d be stocking up big time on journals, paper, and pens.

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