perhaps it’s the grey day.  maybe the melancholy notes around.  i think it’s a heart that is tired of trying for the wrong things and ultimately falling to failure over and over.

i’ve been wrong, Lord. 

in the middle of ordering flowers for an elderly man coming out of surgery, telling a crying spirit that my dad will be here shortly, and making sure upcoming events are properly put in place in this week’s bulletin it hit me.  i’ve been going about it all wrong.  months and months of work and trying and living done the wrong way.  i come away from months of striving and all it’s given me is a frustrated heart, a confused mind, and a cold hungry soul.

as i’ve searched for life, meaning, destiny, i say words casually to the One who ordained it for me: “no, God, no worries — i’ve got this one under control.”  but this week — this moment — i realize that my “under control” is a hopeless disaster of energy and tears with not much gain.

shame fills my being.  i’ve not given Him my devotion recently — He hasn’t been the reason i live.  i’m afraid to lift my eyes back up, afraid to see disappointment.  and yet, i hesitantly bring my gaze up only to find that He offers His love once more.  He offers life, strength, joy, and peace and all because He adores me.  He… adores me.  me with all my shortcomings and a heart so prone to distraction.  me. 

i hear His whisper, “you are mine and you are a delight.”

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.