i fly back to winter this afternoon. i’ve opened doors and windows again; enjoying breathing in fresh air for just a little bit longer. these days have gone by too quickly and quite honestly, have been filled with too much aching, congestion, and the sensation that all the blood in my body is pumping right through my head.
don’t get sick on vacation. Â just don’t do it.
the good part is that i saw my friend lor. and met her roommates. and some of the people she loves down here in texas. and saw real cowboys. and watched beautiful movies. and listened to a great sermon on sunday. and sat outside to eat on saturday. and sat outside to enjoy the amazing weather on sunday & monday. and was completely spoiled because of this not-feeling-very-well feelings. and will continue to be spoiled. and ate real mexican food and a real hamburger and will never be satisfied by our yankee versions again.
and mostly, i did a whole lotta nothing for the most part.
will you understand if i say that all that nothingness was needed? that i’m almost glad i’m not feeling so well because it’s forced me to spend most of my time relaxingÂ with my eyes closed? i flew down exhausted and on the brink of burnout. i’ve always told myself that i would never be one to get completely worn by life and my role in it, and it’s been this week that i’ve been able to see the plank in my own eye — pride. it’s plain and simple and the thing i’ve been thinking over and over again these past five days is this: i need Jesus just as much as the biggest sinner out there.
there’s been part of me trying to tend my soul on my own. not because i didn’t want God to have a hand in it, but because i haven’t wanted to bother Him with my petty problems when there’s war, death, anger, and real brokenness everywhere i look. my own selfishness, jealousy, and frustration? i could just tuck it away and not bother Him with those things, right?
i’m told that sometimes you gotta be a squeaky wheel and get some attention. my exhaustion and sickness has received ample concern by those around and although in my head i say neither are a big deal and i can deal with it on my own, nobody’s shrugging off my, “don’t worry, i can take care of it.” and i’m suddenly understanding a bit about how He won’t ignore me either even when i try to convince Him that there are others in much greater need of His help. God’s care for us — me — overwhelms. He’s just that good.
this is far too long and i haven’t even reread it to see if it makes sense. blame it on the nasty head cold if you’re bored to tears or think i’m completely off my rocker. i shall now go take some more vitamin c and lay down again.
oh, and because of my lack of energy, the beat up camera hasn’t been used much. here’s the one picture i took of lo and me at the rodeo on saturday night: