making this my life

after years of spending every single day under the direction and oversight of my mums, i suddenly found myself at the magical age of 18. it appears magical because you’re encouraged to try spreading your wings a bit, however that may be. some get jobs, some commute to community colleges, some move states away for college which turns into forever being gone, and me? i chose to fly across the sea to a land i didn’t know.

but you knew that. you knew that i spent half of my 18th and half of my 19th year in germany. and you know that it was a big adjustment for this home-loving-soul. if you’ve been keeping up with these words that long, then you know it was during that season that i learned what it is to bloom where you’re planted.

that year was spent knowing that at the end i would be going back. i fell asleep some nights, a photograph of my family held tightly to my chest — i was everything lonely and homesick but knew if i could stick it out, one day i would wake, get back on an airplane, and fly home.

i’m gone again. it’s been long enough for the novelty to wear off and for reality to sink in a bit. it’s been long enough to bring some tears into my world when my heart realizes that it misses familiarity. it’s been long enough to know that there’s no promise of a plane bringing me back to what i know. and it’s been long enough for me to understand that i’m not to simply bloom here but i’m to grow here. this is the same and so different all at the same time. that year spent away felt as though everything in me had been stretched across the sea and i was told to continue blooming. but now, i’ve not simply been stretched — i’ve been transplanted  — and now the work is to settle my roots into this new life and continue to grow.

with a mums who loves everything to do with flowerbeds i’ve watched the process of transplanting enough times to not expect a quick and simple procedure. some plants take time to settle themselves and start thriving in their new place. and it’s not always easy.

but knowing what to expect doesn’t change that it’s difficult.

because it just is sometimes.

i curled up by his side this last sunday night. he was checking his email or facebook or something on our laptop and i was content to find the space i’ve come to know so well, tucked in right beside him. i looked at him and marveled. although we haven’t known each other for a whole year, there’s no other place i find such comfort than when i’m with him. earlier he had kissed my tear soaked face. i felt his support as he held my hand and listened as i struggled to express what my heart was feeling. afterward he said, “let’s pray.”

this making a new life — it isn’t entirely pretty and there are moments when it doesn’t feel good at all. but i’m remembering that it takes time. and i’m not having to make it on my own. i have the best person by my side.

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