to my baby

Dear Baby I’ll Never Hold,

Today I, your mama, sat at the kitchen island, so very empty and so lacking of you, and cried. And cried some more. And then cried more. When I lost you so many weeks ago, I made myself move on. I reminded myself of all the others who have suffered even greater losses than my own and convinced myself that I needed to be strong; I couldn’t be sad for long.

Everyone around said they were sorry and I felt the need to say in return, “It’s okay. I’m doing fine!”

And I am. And I’m not.

I think about you. Every single day. You made me a mama for 10 short weeks and you made me the happiest. My body was already changing, making room for you, and since I knew I was responsible for you, I was the healthiest I’ve ever been while you were around. I delighted in already caring for you.

We live in a broken world and we wait for the perfection that’s to come. But that’s why things go wrong. That’s why there’s hardship. And that’s why there’s need to grieve.

So, baby, I guess I just wanted to let you know that you were the most important thing to me. I had dreams and ideas for what you would be like and how you would add to our family. I guess I just wanted you to know that although I’ve not shown much outward expression of grieving, I feel the loss of you always.

And I guess I just wanted you to know that I miss you.

Your Mama

10 thoughts on “to my baby

  1. I have no words…but I hope you can hear my heart and spirit whispering.
    Sweet Louissa, and sweet baby, be forever knowing His dear, kind love and tenderness.

    Deb F.

  2. It has been a long time since I’ve see or talked with you way back when I visited Gary. I’ve enjoyed following your updates on Facebook. I rejoiced when I heard of your marriage (and saw the beautiful pictures) and now I weep with you over the loss of your beautiful baby. There is no time frame on grief, when we should or shouldn’t experience it.

    Your baby may not have been physically born but God had already begun to knit him/her together in your womb. Your baby was being fearfully and wonderfully made and you could feel it. The loss of that is tremendous and tough to bare.

    Rest in the knowledge of His love and mercy. Continue to allow him to walk you through this dark time. And know that your friends and family love you and grieve with you.

  3. Your baby was wanted and loved dearly by its mother and father..And as for you and yoru house, God himself will one day wipe away every tear—– including these— so let them fall here on earth… Jesus is catching them in a bottle.

    Glad you shared this glimpse into your mother love for your little little one who was here so briefly but was really really here inside their mamma.

  4. Dear Louissa
    I cannot begin to understand what you are going through right now and I’m not going to try but I know the Lord does. He saw ever tear that has fallen on the outside and inside of you and He is carrying you through it all. He has so much ahead of you. Things to be glad and rejoice about and promise He is taking the BEST care of your dear little one till you come home. I love the words Mark Schultz penned. It said “When you come home, no matter how far. Run through the doors and into my arms. It where you are loved. It’s where you belong and I will be here… when you come home.” Soon Louissa, in the twinkling of an eye, we’ll all be swept away and there be no more death, no more tears, no more good-byes. We’ll be home. I’m praying for you always Louissa. If you need anything let me know. I’m here for you. I really am.

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