Dear Baby I’ll Never Hold,
Today I, your mama, sat at the kitchen island, so very empty and so lacking of you, and cried. And cried some more. And then cried more. When I lost you so many weeks ago, I made myself move on. I reminded myself of all the others who have suffered even greater losses than my own and convinced myself that I needed to be strong; I couldn’t be sad for long.
Everyone around said they were sorry and I felt the need to say in return, “It’s okay. I’m doing fine!”
And I am. And I’m not.
I think about you. Every single day. You made me a mama for 10 short weeks and you made me the happiest. My body was already changing, making room for you, and since I knew I was responsible for you, I was the healthiest I’ve ever been while you were around. I delighted in already caring for you.
We live in a broken world and we wait for the perfection that’s to come. But that’s why things go wrong. That’s why there’s hardship. And that’s why there’s need to grieve.
So, baby, I guess I just wanted to let you know that you were the most important thing to me. I had dreams and ideas for what you would be like and how you would add to our family. I guess I just wanted you to know that although I’ve not shown much outward expression of grieving, I feel the loss of you always.
And I guess I just wanted you to know that I miss you.