Most people I’ve had any sort of conversation with since my Sunshine Baby entered the world have asked how I’m adjusting to this new-to-me mommy role. They then quickly say, “Oh, I’m sure you’re a natural!”

Well, I was born smack dab in the middle of a family of nine — a family where you were expected to help around the house and watch younger siblings. And the baby grand in my music room? It was purchased from babysitting money. But showing up at another home to play a few games of Hide and Seek, make some PB&J sandwiches, and watch a movie while kids fall asleep is far different from being the new mom with a new baby. And I have felt anything but a natural.

But am I adjusting well? I would like to think so, but I’ve never done this before and have nothing to measure it by. So you tell me.

Sometimes I overflow with grace as I walk around in a spit-up covered shirt, holding my baby, in a house that used to be cleaner and tidier. Sometimes I cry with the baby when he’s fussy. Sometimes I fully embrace the days that my Sunshine Baby decides to boycott the Moby wrap and all I can do is sit and hold him through his naps. Sometimes I let ugly selfishness rule me and all I want to do is mop my floors (stupid, I know).

My favorite part of the day is right after he wakes up in the morning. He nurses and then we sit and “talk” and he is ever so Sunshiney. My favorite part of the day is when he falls asleep snug against me in the wrap, his fingers holding on tightly to my hair. My favorite part of the day is when The Husband comes home, and watching him and his son interact. My favorite part of the day is night, with a little body sleeping between The Husband and I. My favorite part of the day is waking up only to realize that my 7 week old somehow has inched closer and closer to me (how in the world does he move around at 7 weeks old?!) until I’m almost falling out of bed.

I have a lot of favorites.

I’ve mastered one handed typing as I nurse. I’ve already had to apologize to my baby for having a bad attitude. I’m sometimes scared when I think about the fact that I’m the mom and will be raising this child. I’m saddened when I realize I won’t be enough and I will fail him. I’m grateful that I can be an example of someone who desperately needs Jesus when I do fail. I am so happy when I think about my Sunshine being mine for always.

And I love learning how to be his mama.

So yeah, I’m adjusting. And I hope I’m adjusting well.

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