today found me going through all my little boxes full of nothings that mean so much to this poor old heart. a box that used to hold stationary and a box that my first Bible was in are now full of cards from years ago as well as recent ones and an odd assortment of what a little girl always considers her precious somethings. i found the last two birthday cards my nana sent me, all sorts of hand-made cards from my creative sisters and friend and a few thank you’s that should have been thrown out but were all too nice for me to do that to. i came across pictures that held memories of long ago friendships (goodness — i make myself sound old) and pen-pal friends who i see once in a great while at weddings and conferences but don’t really have much contact with anymore. oh! and i still have coins from the Philippines. never been there, but i do have coins (bring me next time you go and i can buy you a candy).

i found out a few things about myself as well. apparentely i’ve always been a bit too uptight about money. at age ten i started keeping track of how much i had and how much i was making every few months (at least i don’t do that anymore). at age thirteen i recorded my height and weight. why? i don’t know. when i was twelve i used the word “queer” obsessively to describe everything, but that would be because i was obsessively reading everything by Lucy Maud Montgomery. when i first started writing in a journal (back in ’97) i acted like the little book was a person. i had names for the first few journals i filled (which i do not care to share) and started every entry with a “How are you?” i loved to write stories and have far too many unfinished ones. they were always about poor young girls who suddenly were in the world of the rich and i took far too long to describe each room and how it was decorated. i would have bored any sensible person out of their mind.

yes, i do believe i was a bit odd as a child. but i can’t really say that i’m not odd now. i wear socks to bed all the time and i can’t get on a bicycle without my heart almost stopping. one minute i’m using old-fashioned words and the next i’m singing beyonce and dancing. i make a mess everytime i brush my teeth — how do people keep all the toothpaste inside of their mouth and none around it? i never knew there was an art to it until i realized that i was the only buffoon (ohmy. did i just use the word “buffoon” to describe myself?) with white foam all over my lips and corners of my mouth and everyone else somehow politely brushes so that the only thing you see is the toothbrush handle. and i make the oddest noises when wearing my retainers. someone’s gotta help me.

well, now that that i’ve completely scared you, i’ll let you know that i didn’t really mean for this entry to go in this direction. the idea was that packing everything away had me feeling… well, a bit melancholy. i found myself putting all my things in storage bins — something i’ve watched other siblings do, but i never thought my turn would come so soon. i’m afraid that every entry for the next few weeks will be finely peppered with all this sadness about my going.

i decided that with the way i’m acting about leaving for half a year and all this talk about how i only have three weeks till i leave — well, a doctor better not tell me ever that i have that length of time left. if you think all this is bad, just think about what i’d be like then. : )

p.s. i’m sorry to all who i just offended with my morbid joking. i forget that not everyone is like me and thinks the song Earl’s Gotta Die is the funniest thing ever.

p.s.s. God bless you if you actually took the time to read all this.