tonight someone asked, “what do you want to be?” and as if on cue, i felt myself starting to hyperventilate.
okay. so actually, i didn’t and i don’t. but i’ve always thought my life would be much more fun if i was just a tad bit more dramatic. maybe i’d have more stories if i responded just a bit more strongly to things. or maybe i’d swoon, yell, throw tantrums, if my personality was just a bit more like scarlett o’hara’s (which would, of course, make me that much more interesting).
no. instead i sat and pondered for a few seconds. and tried to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. and couldn’t quite put my finger on it. and sat and thought a bit more. and let the person answer for me (which is what i should have said to do at the beginning since people generally have me more figured out than i do). and am now thinking it rather odd to have asked one who is twenty that question.
but i do know why. and i know why people will continue to ask. it’s because i’m twenty.
i’m twenty and i get a ride to work or walk.
i’m twenty and i make a weekly bulletin.
i’m twenty and have no money to my name.
i’m twenty and i live with my parents.
i’m twenty and my life looks like the life of a loser.
really, i understand where these questions come from. i’d probably think the same thing if i was looking at me. i’d probably be scratching my head as well wondering why on earth that girl is wasting the best years of her life. i know that to the world i don’t look like i’m doing anything.
and sometimes it’s hard. sometimes it’s hard to keep going when i know that that’s how it looks. i find that some evenings when i’m surrounded by my peers who are all “making something of themselves” i start to doubt that what i felt was really my Lord. i start to wonder if i got it all wrong, if somehow i didn’t sense something correctly, or even if something is innately wrong with me that i don’t feel a need do anything else at this time.
in these moments i recollect that noah was a loony when he built a huge ship and said that it was going to rain — something that had never happened. i think about the fact that abraham decided to pack all his things, figure out a way to convince his family to join him to go… well, he didn’t know where he was destined to be when he left. all he knew was that the Lord told him to leave. i recall that sarah was an old woman. i took biology and remember, i’m twenty. i know that old women can’t have babies. but she did. “…because she believed the One who made a promise would do what he said.”
oh. how the Bible does bring clarity. being them was hard. suddenly being me seems easy. my life makes total sense to the world next to theirs. i seem so normal it’s almost maddening. if i have a hard time walking by faith in such an “acceptable” situation, what will i be like in the abnormal psychotic times the Lord might call me to?
but it’s times like this that cause growing, that cause strengthening, that cause my eyes to fix themselves more steadfastly on the One who i’m following. my life might not make sense to most and i might not know what the rest of my life is going to look like, but i do know that i’m where He’s called me to be right now and seriously, isn’t that all i need to know?
“The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see.” (Hebrews 11:12, The Message)