the hot sun has kept this cool office not so very cool today.  the window is open, welcoming the warm breeze, and it blows about a pile of receipts on my desk.  i watch the wind play with leaves of my three big trees.  my hair isn’t done, my makeup isn’t on my face, and i don’t feel very put together… inside or out.

i sat in the front row the other night, surrounded by people i think are pretty darn cool, and looked like the put together Christian that i try to portray.  really, truly, honestly — i do so well at that.  i know what i’m supposed to look like, how i’m supposed to act, the ways that i’m to serve.  i look like the proper senior pastor’s daughter.  i look like the proper church-goer.  and i look like the good Christian girl.

but it’s not about that, is it?

isn’t it about being a follower of Jesus?  i think about how hard it is for me to be open with most people — to be vulnerable and let them see me for my true dirty loathsome self.  but i think of those who followed Jesus in the Bible.  the loudmouth fisherman, the prostitute, the tax collector.  the Bible doesn’t shy away from mentioning the types of people who were with Jesus… and the types of people that Jesus was with.  these were broken people who needed help.  and they didn’t cover it up, they didn’t wear their masks as well as me.

and i think about how i’ve gleaned more from the few who have been open in their brokenness then all the showy ones in the world.  i know when Jesus cried and was tempted and asked for His cup to be taken away.  but i also know how the Lord was His strength in those times.

the pharisees had issues.  they must have — don’t we all?  but we don’t read much about it.

i’m a pharisee.  i’m into the show.  i’m into “making my life big.”  i’m a follower of church and ministry.  i’m a follower of the way we’ve said this life is supposed to look.  i’m a follower of making myself look like i’ve got this all down.

but really.  in my heart i’m the loudmouth, stupid fisherman who says all the wrong things.  i’m the prostitute who sells herself away because she has no dignity.  i’m the tax collector who preys on others for personal gain.

and i’m the person that Jesus wants to be with — that Jesus came for.

i’ve been singing this song in my head a lot recently.

Then I hear You sing to me
“You don’t have to do a thing
Just simply be with me and let those things go
It can wait another minute
Wait this moment is to sweet
Please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer
Cause I’m in love with you.”

i’m learning that… just to be.  i’m learning to let go of all the stuff that comes between me and following Him.  i don’t want to be known as the good senior pastor’s daughter.  i don’t want to be known as a proper church-goer.  and i don’t want to be known only as the good Christian girl.

i want people to look at me and not see someone who has busied themselves in ministry up to their eyeballs because that’s what a perfect Christian does,  but to see someone who is busy in ministry because she’s about her Father’s business — because she’s just following her Lord and doing what she saw Him doing.

but mostly, i want to be known as someone who put Him first.  someone who wasn’t into the act, into the show, into pretending, but someone who was real with Him and others.  i want to be known in my brokenness so that i too can be a testimony of His goodness and faithfulness.

i want to be known as a follower of Jesus.