faith enough

i’m finding that i expect much for others but very little for myself.

my Christian faith is my world and without my Christian faith i would not have my world.  i’ve learned that a God, who i know and have personally experienced, is faithful and good and peace and merciful and loving and just and caring and perfect and strength and a friend — and is so much more than this small little list because He is everything that anyone could ever need.  you have a problem?  He’ll take care of it.  you have a need?  He’ll provide.  are you broken?  He’s the healer.  are you confused?  He’ll bring clarity.

i know these things.

but recently, i know these things for others.

i attend several weekly church meetings.  there are countless opportunities for my God, who is everything anyone could ever need, to touch my life.  i sing songs and i mean every word, but somehow, i don’t actually leave room for Him to transform my life.  i pray over others and encourage them to step out in faith, to catch the vision God has given them, but don’t do that myself.

i listened to words this morning while i attended one of my weekly church meetings about not only having faith for others, but having faith for yourself.  i stood there and didn’t understand that those words were being spoken for people like me.  i didn’t grasp it — i didn’t make it personal.  i just knew of all the others who needed to hear it and how i had faith that they could do this thing.

it didn’t once cross my mind that i need faith for my life just as much as they do.

i continued on in my day doing the things that good Christian administrators do when all that’s keeping them going is the schedule that they put together for another 400 people.  so i ran home, changed, and met up with others at a nearby park to pick up a sign that read, “Abortion Kills Children” and stand on the street curb for an hour.  while i should have been meditative, somber, and prayerful, i found myself telling fairytale stories, singing songs, and putting a 4 year old niece on my shoulders, back, lap — whatever would keep her warm and happy.

and then a few hours later while i sat with a few others on leather couches and chairs with a very content stomach from spaghetti and cheesecake and coffee and every sort of goodness, i found myself listening to someone say to me that i need more faith for my own life.  and i realized, that there is 0 faith for my life, giftings, situations i’m in and i realized that that’s wrong.

and honestly, you, my dear reader, should know that i’ve been in a season of feeling purposeless and with no vision for my life.  but doesn’t that stem from having no faith?  i sat there and although i looked totally fine while these words were coming at me, i found myself wrecked.  i’ve been discontent, i’ve complained, i’ve been unhappy, but i’ve given the Lord no room to move in my life.

Jesus called to Peter, but He could only do so much to get him to step out of the boat.  He called and there came a time where Peter had to decide to leave the safety of the boat.

i’ve asked Him to call in the past.  i’ve then promptly covered my ears because i doubt i’ll be able to do what He asks.

but tonight, i realized that it’s on me.  it’s time for me to listen, to trust, and to leave the boat.  i just pray that i’ll have faith enough to take that first step.

2 thoughts on “faith enough

  1. I don’t usually leave comments on blogs because the authors do a great job of leaving me thinking, rather than talkative about what they wrote. But, I just wanted to say that I can totally relate to where you are coming from in this, Louissa. While my faith may still be young and new, I have always lived my life according to what will be good and nice for the next person. I often give so much of myself and pray so hard for others that I feel I lose a bit of myself in the process. I go out on a limb for others so much, often at the expense of myself. The biggest challenge I have faced during the past few months in my budding Christianity is finding faith for myself. I almost don’t feel comfortable praying for myself and often also fear what it is He may ask of me as well. You are not alone in feeling this way, Louissa. I have always been a giver, rarely taking for myself and I shall pray for you…

  2. I still think the single most important lesson I’ve been learning these past few months is that WE CAN’T, but HE CAN. As many times as I’ve tried to sail along in the winds of my own strength and wisdom and service, it isn’t long before I slow down and eventually stop dead. I want to go (and I want you to go) in the direction His winds blow, on His path alone, so that we may continue to sail on- effortlessly- to that point He wants us to reach.
    Why is it so difficult for us to admit that we can’t do it without Him?
    Everyone always chalks this up to my being “negative” or “hopeless”.
    All I’m sayin’ is that without Him, we should be those things!
    Love You!

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