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sometimes it’s in the quiet of my blue 12×12 room at my church.
sometimes it’s in the kitchen surrounded by many when the warm heart asks me a question.
sometimes it’s in my favorite gym when i’m standing in front of 400 people.
sometimes it’s in another blue room with candles and blankets and faces of five girls i love.
sometimes it’s in the car as i talk and think and wonder and vent aloud.

she says she’s glad i cry in front of people.  she says she’s glad that somehow i still seem happy while the tears come and my voice cracks.  she says she’s glad i do it.

it’s being transparent.  i know that.  it shows that i’m a person — a real genuine person with issues just like you and the man you passed in the post office today and didn’t give a thought of.

it’s being vulnerable.  i know that.  it shows that i’m not afraid to have you see me as that real person — the one with all the issues.  for a few minutes i take the facade off and show you what my heart really looks like.

it’s always been like this.  even when i wanted to most, i couldn’t help the tears from coming.  like why when i’m standing in front of a keyboard while hundreds watch me?  why when there are people in and out of a room and food being prepared and games being played?  why then?

sometimes i just wish i was better at wearing the facade.
sometimes i’m tired of crying so easily.

One thought on “

  1. I hope that never changes about you… even though I understand feeling like you wish you could make it happen.

    It is one of the best things about Louissa… although there are many others. It’s funny… there have been times when I thought I would cry and God held me together, seeing things in Uganda, talking about it etc. But then there are times when the smallest things make me cry like an EMO kid. And I’m a guy… you know, I’m “not supposed to cry”

    It feels awkward to cry in front of people. You never really judge people when they cry chances are, and you probably think better of them… but you always feel vulnerable when it happens to you, like everyone around is looking at you strange. It used to happen to me alot more… in some ways I’m thankful that it doesn’t happen as much, but at the same time I’m truly thankful that I can cry.

    I know people who can’t… and it’s sad, in fact it makes me cry(that was an attempt at a joke… incase it didn’t work)

    🙂

    -James’

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