sometimes, well, days like today, i find myself asking why i can’t be perfect.

i’m tired of always doing the wrong things.  i’m tired of the sin cycles i’m in.  i’m tired of never having the right perspective.  i’m tired of being so selfish.  i’m tired of myself.

so i try to right myself.  i try to tell myself that if i do this or if i do that then it will make it all better — that i’ll be a better person.  i’m full of formulas for how to do this and although i try them over and over again they always fail me.  i’m not capable of being the person i want to be.

it takes much to bring me to my knees.  in my head i know that i’m supposed to remain there but i never do.  i can point out the times over the years that i’ll find myself having gotten to this hopeless point, finally willing to admit that i can’t do it without One who is greater than me.  it’s this vicious circle of me trying to live my faith on me own, only to realize that i’m a miserable failure.

i want perfection.  i try to attain it using my own strength.

today i’m thankful.  thankful for the grace upon which i stand.  thankful for He who shows me through these experiences my need for Him.  thankful that He lives in me, He uses me even with all my faults and failures.  thankful that He is working in my life, chipping away the sin and brokeness.  thankful for His amazing, unconditional love.

– – –

my wrists hurt.  yesterday some of the little monsters that i worked with this past week attacked me while we were outside, tied my hands together and then tied me to a tree.  they then started to tickle me, which forced me to fall onto the ground (the only way for me to protect myself from ten pairs of hands) which added stress upon the rope around my wrists and gave my jeans grass stains (anyone know how to get those out?).  i eventually had to call over a German speaker because of the amount of pain i was in and sure enough, i now have bruised wrists.

oh the things you put up with when working with kids.

– – –

the smart guy here is going to be fiddling with the network and server and everything else that’s part of the internet here at school and so i might be without access this next week.  that means i’ll have no communication with the outside world.  if i go crazy, you know why.

4 thoughts on “untitled

  1. Quick – check your blog for this comment before it is too late!

    Sorry about the sore wrists – it is a high price to pay, for sure!

    Jason is getting ready to leave the Sinclair household tomorrow for future seasons and plans. It is strange to think of him leaving and maybe not living here again. I will miss him. Maybe we can still get some extended vacation time… do you think?

    We are also getting ready to leave, but for only a week. One of my favorite weeks – the week at Aunt Judy’s . I know, I know, we will have to do a repeat sometime this fall so that you can be a part of it. We will see what can be arranged. But don’t forget a niece is due on Sept. 29, a California sister visits on the 19th, etc. etc. Still, maybe a late October visit to the beach. I love the beach in the fall, don’t you? I love NY in the fall, too… 😉

    Have a super week, sorry if you aren’t connected with the outside world that whole time. I will miss you if that is the case! Take care and see you soon!!

  2. When do you get to come home? Zout works REALLY well on grass stains. At least it has when I’ve used it. I spray it on and let it sit then throw the clothing item in the wash. If it doesn’t comem out, i spray it again and treat w/ the Tide w/bleach detergent, let that sit, spray again and wash again. that has done it and i don’t currently think anywone has any grass stains. 🙂 Also, oxy clean is supposed to be good w/them, but I haven’t tried. Sorry about your wrists. Talk to you soon. Think of you often. 🙂

  3. Funny. I haven’t checked here for awhile, and when I do, I find that I can sooooooo relate. I feel the same way. Maybe not about sore wrists and smart guys, but about the cycle, perfectionism, etc…

    I hope you’re still enjoying your adventure. I still kinda wish I could join you;)

  4. you betcha! I wish you could have been here this past weekend with your fam. When do you return to the States? I feel like I haven’t seen you in eons.

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