to nat and esther

why should the fire die? played in the backround and a plate with two no-bake cookies sat next to me. i pulled out my school binder and the encyclopedia i was using to research Marie Curie and set to work.

i kept glancing at my blue binder, covered with the names of bands i thought were the coolest things back when i was thirteen. dc talk, smalltown poets, jars of clay, supertones, burlap to cashmere — they’re all there. i still remember the day i graduated into a binder. i don’t remember what year it was (maybe sixth), but i remember feeling so old and grown up when my mom handed it to me. the older girls had binders for their work and i had wanted my own for so very long. i thought that school would be so much more fun with a binder to keep all my work organzied in.

it eventually was decorated with little girl flowers and the names of two girls i thought would be my best friends forever. one lived in paris and the other in a smalltown outside of pittsburgh. i wrote letters to both of them. one had long blonde hair and a big family. the other had shorter dirty-blonde hair and had a big family. i had red hair and a big family. i thought they were cool and they both thought i was cool. obviously, they were perfect for me.

i’m not in contact with either of them anymore.

as the years went on, more and more quotes and lyrics were written on it. i then started my highschool years and became terribly embarrassed because of the poorly spelled words (for example, raimbow) and the ridiculous bands spelled in horrible wanna-be bubble letters in various colors. i guess at sixteen you get too old for that kind of stuff.

tonight, even while a friend sat at the kitchen table with me, i didn’t put it away. i kept looking at it and laughing at the childish flowers and handwriting. to me, this blue binder, filled with maps i’ve drawn, reports i’ve written, vocabulary words with definitions, math lessons, notes and answers for science questions, etc… all of this represents the season of life i’ve been living for the past eighteen years. on june 16th, all of that will be over. on that day i will surely put the binder in the garbage and put an end to it all.

i think at that point, i’ll be able to fully understand that i really am eighteen now. no longer a little girl, with the bowl haircut, quietly looking at you during worship.

O men, grown sick with toil and care,
Leave for awhile the crowded mart;
O women, sinking with despair,
Weary of limb and faint of heart,
Forget your years to-day and come
As children back to childhood’s house.

~Phoebe Cary

13 thoughts on “to nat and esther

  1. Now i never wanna grow up…

    its fun to look back at fun memories..all though im only 15, time can fly by really fast..Thats why we live it as long as possible =]..Plus 18 doesnt seem that big a number to me…80 does!.ok ok now we wont go thre untill that day comes ;]..I remember like a couple years ago when i first met you.you where like 14 or 15..I never said anything couse it was my first time..it was at your old church, i went with katie..I dont know why i brought it up but, i remember asking how odl you where and you were about 14 or 15..somewheres around there..i think…but now your 18!….teh clocks ticking and we’ve got work to do =-]

    I love you my dear dear Louissa.!!Very much indeed..,,and i always will remember you as that 15 year old girl..I probably sounds corny but.. oh well… :p…I love you tons ..

  2. I have me very own purple binder which is certainly one of a kind.
    I remember when dc talk was like the coolest band and if you could draw bubble letters you were all that and a bag of chips. Long time ago.

  3. Yes, you are no longer the little girl, quietly looking at me in worship. Now, you are the bright, beautiful, woman of God leading me into His presence during worhip.
    I love you,
    Your other “Aunt Judy”

  4. Happy Belated. You are so mature I thought you already WERE 18. Your mom’s comment made me want to cry. Will I be there someday?

  5. You made me cry my dear. At times I don’t feel I have grown up yet… & I am in my 30’s w/ my own teenagers! I feel it is so healthy to realize where you are now & where you have been.

    Just keep a little bit of the “little girl”. We relate much better to our heavenly abba when we are childlike!

  6. That was a great post! We all can look back and see things written on folders, binders, and other school supplies. I remember once that I wrote all these cool words on a big jar that I was using to save money up. I used words like cool, rad, awesome, God Rox, etc. Teenagers are so funny and I am almost scared for my baby doll to turn into one. I know God will lead my mind to teach, instruct, and sometimes even correct but I still have a slight worry. I am a mom what can I say? Praise God for new seasons in life too!


  7. I really liked the movie alot! Reese Witherspoon did a great job, and Juaquin Phoenix was incredible. So, what did you think?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *